


The Art of Letting Go

by PersonalityTest



Category: Sword Art Online (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Gen, I really tried to keep it in LN-fashion, POV First Person, Spoilers for up to Alicization V18 later on, but ask yourself if kirito doesn’t suffer is it really sao, this uhhh doesn’t end well at all I feel a little bad for what I’m about to do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-02-16 06:01:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18685561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PersonalityTest/pseuds/PersonalityTest
Summary: In the weeks after the Alicization incident, Kirito was haunted. Letting go was never an option, but soon it might be the only one left.





	1. Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Uh, I never quite knew how to work with AO3, but a friend said I should put this here so here it is. What started as a plot bunny ballooned into a multichapter fic, and now here I am. I don't really have an update schedule, but I have most of the main stuff mapped out. I'll just make the rest up as I go along. Either way, happy reading!

The dreams had started just recently, a few weeks after the Alicization incident ended.

In this one, I stood in a large clearing that extended beyond my eyes’ reach. The night sky above my head is littered with stars that twinkled every now and then, and I was stepping on soft, lustrous green grass that almost looked blue under the flickering sky. Cool, gentle breezes rustled the grass beneath my feet.

For some reason, I was wearing my high school uniform. It was an outfit consisting of a dark blazer, emblazoned with our school insignia, over a white dress shirt, with a red tie haphazardly assembled on top, and dark-colored pants. All that was missing was my school bag – though, I didn’t think I would be needing it. School didn’t start until the next week or so. Even more, this was a dream.

I turned my eyes back to the endless view stretched out before me.

This was a beautiful scenery, more beautiful than anything that existed in the real world. I knew that, and yet, I could not help but feel in my heart that something was deeply wrong. Something was missing. Something didn’t feel right. Something –

As I thought so, crackling sounds erupted around me. I took a step back in surprise, and instead of soft grass my feet were met with the sound of crushed ice. All around me, the beautiful grass was beginning to freeze, the winds have stopped blowing, and the stars flickered more irregularly, more urgently. Ice encroached from all directions until it reached me, and with a loud, horrifying noise, together with the ice, the scenery shattered before my eyes.

I barely managed to bite down hard on my lips to stifle a scream as I sat upright on my bed.

The clock read 3:04. I did not go back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

“You’ve been looking tired lately. Are you alright?”

So asked the girl sitting opposite to me as she tilted her head. The long, honey-brown hair that reached her waist swayed in the sunlight, reflecting all sorts of color – gold, light brown, a hint of red. How mesmerizing, I absentmindedly thought, as I let out a sigh and answered.

“I’m not sure. I’ve had trouble sleeping lately.”

The girl, my lover Asuna, frowned. “I know you’re working hard, but make sure not to overdo it, okay? That’s right, I’m free tomorrow, so would you like to study together? The university entrance exam is coming up soon, so I could use the revision.”

I picked at my bento as I considered her offer. Thankfully, my sister Suguha did not have practice early this morning, so she was kind enough to make me a lunch of rice, tamagoyaki, grilled fish and steamed vegetables. If it had been left to me, I would have just bought a bento at the convenience store one street over. If I were short on time, I could also make do with a 100-yen onigiri. Maybe these sleep issues are a sign that I have to take care of my health more, I thought to myself, and turned my attention back to Asuna.

“I’ll try to pace myself. That said, yours seems like a good idea. But, uh, would your parents be home then?”

I must have made a pathetic expression as I said that. Of course, I have met Asuna’s parents, and survived the encounter – more or less – but suffice it to say that the level of stress I went through for that encounter far surpassed that of the days before a boss raid in Old Aincrad. In other words, it would not be an exaggeration to say that a «Meeting with Asuna’s Parents» event would be a life or death situation, at least for me.

As if reading my mind, Asuna giggled. “You don’t have to worry. My parents are out of town for a conference this week, and if not, we could always meet in ALO. Though, I keep telling you that my mother likes you now, you know…”

“Easy for you to say…” I muttered, but a light smile broke out on my face anyway. Asuna always seemed to have a way to cheer me up.

We passed the lunch hour with small talk like that, and before I knew it, it was time for afternoon classes. As the «Bell of Time-Telling» rang, we hurried to pack up our empty lunch boxes and return to class, smiling all the while.

…Bell of Time-Telling…?

 

* * *

 

A good, healthy dinner.

Leaving ALO earlier than my usual time.

A glass of milk before bed.

“Now this is unusual,” my adopted sister, Suguha, told me as she passed me in the hallway. Since she had just gotten out of the bath, she had only an oversized shirt on and was drinking a bottle of water as she paddled back to her room. I resisted the urge to tell her, ‘Put some clothes on’ or ‘Somehow you look chubbier than last month, so stop eating all these cakes from that new cafe’. Not only would that sound incredibly creepy, but she would also beat me up until my Life was only a single digit. “I never thought I would see you go to sleep this early, and a glass of milk before sleep no less. Do you have some raid event early tomorrow morning or something?”

“Hey, now, not everything I do is for a game event you know…” I returned weakly, but I had to admit she had a point. Usually, the only thing I would be getting from the kitchen at this time of the night would be enough coffee to knock an elephant over. “I’m just trying to get back into a somewhat healthy sleep schedule.”

Suguha looked utterly skeptical. I glared at her balefully.

“Alright, alright, stop giving me that kicked puppy look. Let me know how that healthy –“ she suppressed a snicker, “ – goes, will you?”

Sisters these days, I muttered in my mind as we parted ways. I could still hear her snickering to herself as she closed the door to her room. No love for their suffering older brothers at all.

 

* * *

 

When I opened my eyes, the sun was already halfway to its peak. It was certainly already past eight.

Why did I sleep so much!? I scolded myself, but the most important thing now was to rush to school as fast as possible. I did not have time to wonder why my alarm did not ring, and instead just grabbed my uniform, dressed up in record time, and ran out of my room. Down the hallway, outside, I took the familiar path to school, bulldozing down half the people in my way –

“Hey! What are you doing?” A voice so familiar it tugged at my heart, a voice that nearly brought tears to my eyes, called me.

I froze.

It cannot be.

For the first time, I looked at my surroundings. This was not my normal school uniform, but a pitch-black jacket and pants that was the uniform for an Elite Swordsman-in-Training. I was running on stone-paved roads. This was not the path I took to school, but the way to the 6th district, the business district of Centoria. Nothing, nothing, nothing about this is the world I knew.

But it was. I knew this world. I had lived here for two years, spent my days studying here, together with my best friend and partner, in order to –

My best friend and partner, who –

“Kirito! Where are you heading to on our day of rest?” Eugeo ran up to me with worried eyes. It cannot be. This is a nightmare. Wake up, wake up, wake up, I begged myself, but I could only stand stock still as he reached out a hand towards me.

“…Kirito? Are you alright?” Finally noticing my strange expression, Eugeo’s face fell. He reached a hand out again to touch my face. “You have horrible bags under your eyes. What’s wr –“

Finally realizing what was happening, but too shell-shocked to think clearly, I instinctively slapped his hand away. Don’t touch me, I wanted to say. This is a nightmare. You are not real, I bit my lip to stop from screaming out.

His expression told me all I needed to know. That whether this was a dream or not, I had hurt him.

“I – no, no!” I immediately exclaimed before he could take a step back. “Sorry, I was just… I wasn’t thinking, I guess. I’m still a little sleepy. Hahaha…” I laughed painfully, but I guess Eugeo was too used to my strange oddities by now that he just shrugged. Though, I did notice that he took care to stand one further step away from me. For some reason, it stung a little.

“Either way, we should head back to our dorms. I just finished my errand, too…”

It was then that I noticed the paper bag he had in his arms. Could it possibly be – ?

“Score!” I yelled, my earlier distress completely forgotten. “Just as I thought, those are honey pies, aren’t they?”

“Hey, stop that! Wait until we get back to the dorms!” He tried to say, but I had already whisked the bag out of his arms and fished out a warm honey pie. “Seriously, what will I do with you…”

“Alright, let’s head back, partner!” I cheerily said with my mouth still full of pie, and turned around to head back the way I came.

“Kirito.”

At that moment, something in the air changed. It was as if all sound, all the scenery around us died and faded to nothing. Solus had hidden behind a cloud, and the air seemed to be infinitely colder. I could not help but stop in my tracks, as if tendrils of ice had rooted my feet to the ground. But even as I took a trembling breath, I did not dare to turn around.

“…What is it?” I asked.

I did not want to turn around. If I did, and he was not there –

If it were all my fault, how could I ever atone –

If it weren’t for me –

I imagined Eugeo’s smiling face as he said the words that sent chills down my spine.

“You still can’t forgive yourself, can you?”

I opened my eyes to a loud ringing from the alarm clock next to my bed. The clock read 7:30.

I threw the alarm at the wall with all my strength.

 

* * *

 

Since this might be affecting me more than I thought, I decided to tell Asuna about everything during our study session the next day. She had known that I had a friend that I lost in Underworld, so I only had to explain the dreams that had plagued me lately and my inability to distinguish the two different worlds.

“That certainly seems concerning…” Asuna said as she absentmindedly nibbled on the end of her pen. So cute… I thought, but this was no time to ogle. “Have you gone to a therapist, after the incident? Liz and everyone else suffered a lot of trauma from the war during that time, and I know she still meets with a counselor once a week. I think it’s a good idea, to talk to someone.”

“The RATH medical staff cleared me without any complications, though…” I mused. “Plus, since the experiment was confidential until recently, I don’t know what I could disclose to an outside therapist. Still, I’ll try to ask Higa-san or Kikuoka-san for permission. Thanks, Asuna.”

“No problem.” She gently smiled, but then her expression became solemn again. “Kirito-kun, if this becomes a serious issue, what will you do?”

“What do you mean?” I asked, but I already knew what she was talking about.

Unfortunately, even before this incident, I was no stranger to loss. The period of time I spent endlessly ‘attacking my own Fluctlight’, or in other words, condemning my own self, in Underworld was an attestation to that. Loss of family, attachment to other people, would-be friends, comrades of all kinds. I could remember all the guilt and sorrow I had used to destroy myself with startling clarity.

However, it was thanks to the encouragement of those close to my heart, including him, that allowed me to break free from that eternal torture and return to my old self. The guilt was still there, but I no longer needed to blame myself, I could go forward once more – or so I thought.

This, however, did not seem normal at all. I had had my share of nightmares, like after the Moonlit Black Cats’ deaths, but I had never once lost track of reality. I had never once felt as much fear and uncertainty, and a foreboding sense of danger, as I did now. I wonder if it was because Underworld was so real, and the trauma I felt so great, that I was feeling this way right now.

Maybe, I had a crazy thought, maybe I am still in the STL, endlessly repeating this nightmare. That flash of terror must have shown on my face, because Asuna was immediately by my side, holding me in a tight hug.

“I’m here.” She says, her voice starting to break. “This is real. We’re real. We’ll be alright.”

I nodded and blinked back my own tears, wishing that I could believe in her words.


	2. Eiji

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone reading this! I did not really expect much of a reaction, so it was a pleasant surprise. I felt bad for leaving it at such a confusing place last time, so I had some free time today and cranked out some more confusing BS. 
> 
> Ordinal Scale spoilers for this chapter, though I would really recommend it if you haven't watched yet. It's the Guardians of the Galaxy of SAO - dunno about plot, but certainly a fun few hours.

A few weeks after, nothing particularly of note changed – I could not go to an outside therapist, but RATH could help me do something about the memories, the dreams were still bad and got worse as time went on, and I was starting to use ‘mel’ instead of ‘meter’ sometimes. Above all was the sense of foreboding I felt, a premonition that it would get worse still. In other words, I was living a nightmare.

“That doesn’t sound normal.” Said the man sitting opposite me as he stirred sugar into his kohiru tea with a spoon. There was no one but us in the quaint shop, and I basked in Solus’ light filtering through the window, relaxing in the rhythmic clinking noise of metal against glass.

“You think so as well?” I asked, picking at the cheesecake in front of me. Suguha recommended this, but even though I was a fan of pastries in general, it did seem too boring for me. I should probably have ordered something with honey instead… I started, but stopped myself from going any further on that thought. That way lay madness.

“It certainly sounds familiar, don’t get me wrong.” Nochizawa Eiji dumped a few more teaspoons of sugar in his kohi – coffee. I wondered if it were more sugar than coffee by that point. “I know very well what guilt feels like. But the way you said you felt, and the dreams you have had for weeks now…it seems more like something I would see out of a horror movie. A vengeful ghost with a grudge coming back to torture the living, something like that.”

I had called him out for advice just a few hours ago. Whether either of us admitted it or not, we were eerily alike. He was one that had gone through similar losses to me, pain that my dear friends, try as they might, could not understand. They knew I had lost a close friend, but arrogant though it may be to think so, I did not believe they could comprehend that it was simply the latest of a string of misfortunes and accumulated loneliness. Even more, the loss was due to my own lack of power. That was why I thought Eiji would be the best person to consult with, and asked him out for a cup of coffee, and yet this was the kind of nonsense he was telling me.

“Eugeo would never do that.” I firmly objected.

“Hmm.” He shrugged. “Sounds like a great guy. I wonder how he tolerates a ball of sunshine such as yourself.”

He said so, but I knew those words were not out of malice. He was probably saying it to himself as much as me, wondering in a bout of self-deprecation if Yuuna had been too good for him. He leaned back into his chair and continued.

“I’ll tell you something, though – it does seem like someone, or something, is targeting you. It might not be this kid’s vengeful ghost, but just from your account and your sense of danger… Plus, if it were me and I had a grudge against you, it seems like something I would do. Making you lose your sense of reality to the point that you think you are going insane, something like that. Especially if it makes you easier to control.”

“You’re pretty evil, aren’t you?” I chuckled. He had the tiniest smile on his face, but slightly sobered up as he continued.

“Not evil. Just pragmatic.”

 

* * *

 

Afterwards, we moved away from that topic of discussion and talked about our lives. Just like me, he was planning to take his university entrance exam as well. Surprisingly, he was not planning to pursue a career in «Ario Room», the company in charge of the AI YUNA, as I had initially thought. When I had asked why, he was quiet for several moments before answering me.

“Did you ever wish that you could forget?”

I said nothing. 

“It was a year or so ago that I learned how Yuuna could be brought back by using other players’ memories of her. I was obsessed with the prospect. I did not care about anything else. In my dreams, Yuuna begged me to save her, and I told her that I would. I fully believed that I could.”

I could imagine that with eerie detail. I imagined Eugeo standing under that night sky in my dream, on the frozen grass field, asking me to save him. Telling me that he wanted to see more of the world, that he wanted to meet my friends, and play ALO together with us just like Alice. I knew that I would not hesitate to fulfill that wish, no matter what I had to do.

“Now, I take solace in the fact that she does not want to come back to life, and there is no way to bring her back to life. But if it was still a possibility, I would simply forge ahead blindly, chasing the futile hope that I could be happy again. You told me that this kid, your friend, was a form of artificial intelligence. There is even more hope to bring him back to life, exactly the way he was, than I had with Yuuna. How desperate are you? How far would you go? How many years of your life will you spend chasing after a shadow’s back?”

The clinking noise had stopped. The relaxing silence suddenly felt like lead closing around my throat.

I remembered the thought I had, from seemingly so long ago. I wanted to forget. Everything from the time I first woke up in that forest – I wanted to delete all my memories of those times. Because after all, I was weak. I knew loss, but I could not stand any more loss. In the first place, I was no hero that could withstand pain and suffering. I suspected that now, if I lost Asuna to some injustice, I would not even have the strength to seek vengeance. I would simply waste away, paralyzed in my own powerlessness and guilt. In Underworld terms, the “fear of loss” had been deeply impressed on me from the trauma of what had happened to my Fluctlight.

Suddenly, irrationally, I found a hatred deep within my heart. I did not ask to be haunted this way. If it were not for this world, if it were not for his death, if it were not for him –

I recoiled from that disgusting thought.

It was my stupidity that caused Eugeo’s death. I could not blame him for dying and leaving me behind, not when it was his sacrifice that saved my pitiful life and protected me over and over again. That was why I was feeling so much guilt now in the first place. How far would I go to escape the pain? What would I do, if there was a possibility, no matter how small, that I could alleviate my guilt by chasing a futile dream?

I did not have an answer to those questions.

 

* * *

 

After saying goodbye to Eiji, I went on my day as usual. I did think about going over to consult with Higa-san and Kikuoka-san again, but decided that it could wait until later. For some reason, I had a strong feeling that I did not want to tell them except in a last resort.

Our group had scheduled a few raid parties to gather materials in New Aincrad this week, and there was one tonight. Remembering that, I decided to just head home for now. I revved up my motorbike and sped down the street, occupied only with my own thoughts.

At this pace, I would be home three hours before it was time to meet up. Shower and an early dinner aside, I would still have roughly an hour or so to spend as I liked. My sleep schedule had been irregular lately, so I dearly wanted to take a nap.

However, I was afraid. Even only for thirty minutes, I did not want to dream. I did not want to be reminded of him. The dream I had last night…I had been so sleep deprived that I fell asleep with the Amusphere still on me. It was an irrational thought, but maybe that was why the dream was worse than usual. I could not recall many details, but the sensation of being strangled with rose thorns, the desperation as my Life drained away, and absolute fear and terror firmly remained in my mind.

Maybe Eiji had a point. I was being haunted, or attacked. I refused to believe it was Eugeo, but that meant some other person was using him against me. I could not forgive that.

In the first place, not many people knew about his existence, or significance to me – at least not to such a degree that could allow them to torment me so. Aside from myself and Eugeo, the only ones that would know about some of it were Asuna, Suguha, Sinon, Lisbeth, Silica, Alice and finally, RATH. Of all of those, the possibility that the culprit was RATH was higher than most. However, I did not know what RATH hoped to accomplish now that they were on the brink of shutdown. As far as I knew, they were not even aware of the fact that Eugeo was also an A.L.I.C.E. Not to mention that this seemed like a scheme too cruel for even Kikuoka to consider.

Then, maybe it was really…?

I refused to entertain the thought, shaking my head a few times to clear it from my mind. However, the action made me dizzy, and it was just sheer luck that I looked up in time to notice the traffic light turning to red. I pulled hard on the brakes, and barely managed to come to a stop at the crossroad.

This might be bad, I thought. I had better be careful or I would get myself hurt.

After a while the light turned green and I started up again, this time a little slower than usual. I was still fatigued from sleepless nights, so I did not want to risk it.

Which brought me back to my current dilemma. I did not want to sleep, but I could not do this forever. I had to sleep eventually. However, if I fell asleep, I would have those dreams again. There were good days, of course. There were days I did not dream, or did not remember, days where I could only remember small fragments, and days where the dreams were as pleasant as a summer afternoon filled with sunlight. I would wake up, either remembering nothing or just small snippets of peace, and feel such happiness that I could cry. On bad days, I would wake up with tears in my eyes and bile in my throat.

Maybe I really was going crazy. I chuckled humorlessly at the thought; for all the life or death situations I have faced, it was this that was going to do me in.

Then again, maybe I had always had a premonition, that it would be him. I had thought so as we left Rulid Village, and I had thought so time and time again as I saw his talents. If anyone could defeat this larger-than-life figure, the curse of the Black Swordsman I carried, it would not be a strong adversary, a twisted system, or an order of knights – no, it would be this gentle, easygoing and resolute young man. Maybe somewhere deep in my heart, I prayed so.

Of course, my premonition never came to pass, because my foolish arrogance had led to his death.

Maybe that was the root of the problem I found myself in. Maybe it was not a ghost or a conspiracy.

Eugeo was right. In the end, it seemed like I just could not forgive myself.


	3. Bastion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really grateful to everyone reading this! I had a lot of fun writing and reading the comments, and I'm gonna miss the pleasant buzz once this little fluff piece is done with. We're nearly at the finish line now, since I've got shit written out and should be up within the next week or so. Until then, more suffering.

“Let’s go.” Eugeo said, just as we reached the entrance of our dorms.

Today’s dream seemed to be a pleasant, uncomplicated one. We spent our day of rest with Tiese and Ronye, who told us about Frenica and her mentor, Humbert. We promised her that we would talk to him and resolve the issue, so that was where we were going right now.

However, I was also thinking about something else. This was the beginning of the end. This was the start of the chain of events that would lead us to be arrested, taken into the Central Cathedral, and then ending with the fight against Administrator, and Cardinal, Charlotte and Eugeo’s deaths. I was not able to prevent them in reality, but at least I could do so in my dreams.

My first thought was to run away. If nothing else, I wanted to save at least Eugeo, and this way Cardinal and Charlotte would be spared as well. However, I knew that he would never accept such a conclusion, and Administrator’s plan to convert half the population was still in effect. I could not stop his sprint towards death any more than I could climb up that wretched tower, right this moment, and run my sword through Administrator’s sleeping figure.

However, I could no longer stay and fight, because I knew what was to come.

I could not defeat the devil, but I could not run away either. Then, my only other option was…

“Eugeo.” I said, in a quiet voice. I did not dare to look at him.

“Hm? What is it?” He asked absentmindedly.

“…Forgive me.”

The next day, the school was abuzz with gossip. The reason was, the day before, Elite Swordsman-in-Training Kirito had murdered First Seat Raios Antinous and Second Seat Humbert Zizek in cold blood.

I did not want Eugeo to come say goodbye in the morning, so I asked to meet with him the night before. It would do no good for him to meet Alice, or to lose a friend to an Integrity Knight a second time. He was crying. I did not want to see him cry. He wanted us to run away before morning, but I could not falter.

“…And so?” I stood before Administrator, who asked me in a melodic, icy voice. “Why have you come here before me, boy from another world?”

“I will give you what you want.” I told her. “In return, I have something I want from you.”

“Such blind loyalty you have.” She smiled, a cruel, cold smile of one who had won the war. “Very well – it matters not to me. In return for your precious Fluctlight, I swear that when the time comes, I shall not tamper with his.”

This is my atonement, I thought as my self-awareness faded away, replaced with a murky darkness and loyalty only to the goddess in front of me. It was a fair price to pay. A soul for a soul.

Two years later, an intruder from the Dark Territory infiltrated the Church. He was a skilled swordsman, and his ice attacks caused the others no small amount of trouble. My sword struck him down before he could sway me with dark arts like he had done some other knights, but just before Stacia claimed his soul, I thought I heard the fallen swordsman murmur my name.

 

* * *

 

That morning, Sugu found me in the bathroom, furiously scrubbing my hands even though they were red and raw. I had been like a man possessed, she had said, muttering about washing off blood even when there had not been any in the first place. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I had apparently said like a prayer, as I had been lost in my own delusions.

She did not mention how my arms were littered with half-moon bruises, from my nails digging into my skin, or swathes of reddened skin on my arm as if I had been trying to claw it off of me, or how my lips were bloodied from my biting down on them. I must have looked a sorry sight, for she slung my arm over her shoulder, dragged me back to my room, and informed my parents to call the school for a sick day.

For my part, I remembered none of it.

 

* * *

 

This week’s last ALO boss raid was going off without a hitch, as usual.

In the first place, this was a material gathering quest, so there was no real danger. The boss level was low enough that a group half our size could clear it without much difficulty. Even so, we still exercised caution, mainly because the boss had a one-hit K.O. special attack and it would be a pain to lose half of our items, revive at the respawn point and then fly back to the boss room.

“Kirito.” The Cait Sith knight, Alice, approached me. Her beautiful golden hair glimmered in the sunlight and swayed from side to side. I remembered another shade of blond under sunlight filtering through the majestic trees of Swordcraft Academy grounds, and choked back a sharp gasp. “…Are you alright?”

“N-no problem.” She still looked skeptical, but something on my face must have told her to drop it for now. “What is it, Alice?”

“I merely wanted to consult with you about our strategy. So, about this part…”

One great thing about fighting with Alice was that she picked things up very fast and was largely self-sufficient. I did not have to explain much besides ALO-specific mechanics, and what she could and could not do in this game compared to Underworld.

But that was to be expected. Alice was talented from the beginning. She was always destined to be great, whether as a sacred arts user, an Integrity Knight, a bottom-up AI, or an MMO player.

“What are you kids doing over there?” Klein yelled from the entrance of the boss room. “Get a move on already!”

I smiled, as did Alice, and we jogged back to our group. However, I could not help but think.

It was funny that in the end, out of the three of us, only I remained. I, the outsider, a traveler between worlds, and yet my dear friends, those who had more promise and deserved a happy life, Alice and Eugeo, were no more. At least, not as who they originally were.  

Even though I was merely a normal high school student who had no talent to speak of.

Even though Alice was a genius. Even though Eugeo was a better person than I could ever be.

Even though my death would have meant nothing.

Did we not promise that we would die together?

Why was I still alive?

Alarmed shouts brought a fraction of my mind back to reality.

The battle was well under way while I was lost in my own thoughts. Alice had used a special attack just before the boss’ one-hit K.O. skill as we had planned, but to her surprise the boss still had a sliver of HP left. The boss swung his axe, and Alice, who was stuck in Post-Motion freeze, could not activate her wings to dodge. At least, not in time.

Maybe it was inevitable that I would arrive at this decision.

In the first place, I wanted to forget. I knew it was not the right thing to do, that these memories were part of who I was and I should not take the coward’s way out.

But I was also tired of being left behind.

The me of the real world had people who needed me, who would support me and walk on the same path I did.

The Kirito of Underworld, who was born and lived in Rulid for ten years, who then returned to set out on a journey and met many other people, no longer had anyone. He, no, I had lost everything and everyone that was precious to me, and I was now a prisoner in this world that was mine and at the same time not.

For a brief second, I wondered if Rulid Village still existed. If the people there still remembered the story of Bercouli and the White Dragon, or if they still told the tale of the demon cedar tree that had been cut down by a pair of boys and one sword between them. If anyone remembered a church with three orphans, a small farm on the way to Zakkaria with two bright, cheerful girls, or a bakery that sold the most delicious honey pies in a corner of Centoria’s shopping district.

The Alice right now did not have a childhood. As a knight, the Central Cathedral was her entire world. For two years in Rulid, she had been an outcast, her only connection to her birthplace a sister she did not remember. However, I was different. My real childhood was racked with loneliness and tragedy. Underworld, where I spent years living in sunlight, loving many people and being loved in return, was my solace. In that world, I was neither an unneeded child nor a hero everyone looked up to. And now, having lost even that, I was despairingly alone with none but dreams of what could have been and endless regret. 

The last remaining of a trio of children in a faraway village. The very last Swordsman-in-Training of Swordcraft Academy, the final bastion who served no role in a world long gone. 

What word could describe the sheer loneliness of that?

Purely out of instinct, I knocked the flash of gold out of the way and closed my eyes as I felt the impact with my entire body.

Finally –

Finally, I was able to do it.

Finally, it was my life instead of theirs. I should have been the one who suffered. Not Alice, Cardinal, Charlotte, or Eugeo.

At the very least, I should pay for it with my life. I who had taken away the life of others countless times, and had lost those dear to me countless times.

Let it end here. Finally, we could be together, like we had promised.

With that last thought, my HP reached zero.

The system, receiving the signal, reset my position to the respawn point.

For one blessed second before my consciousness disappeared in white light, to be teleported to the Starting City, nothing existed. I could not remember why I was suffering, what I had lost, or even who I was. Death plagued only those who were left behind.

Just before my avatar crumbled away, I thought I saw a streak of tears and a flash of blond hair.


	4. Condemnation

“Don’t overdo it!” Said Leafa as she ushered me away from the group. “Just go home and get some rest! You’re clearly in no shape to keep going.”

It was around fifteen minutes after I knocked Alice out of the way and suffered a one-hit K.O. special attack from the boss earlier. I had rematerialized at the respawn point, and was a little bit annoyed to see that I had lost some of my good gear.

The party had caught up to me soon after, worried looks clear as day on their faces. I had assured them that I was alright, but they had insisted that I logged off and took a break. Alice had promised that she would work extra hard today to make up for my part as well in that knightly fashion of hers, and I had smiled despite myself. Still, I did not want to be coddled like a child, and had told them so, but they clearly were not taking no for an answer. Since there was no way around it, I had relented and tapped on the logout button.

As I sat on my bed, I considered what I should do.

Thinking back, I did not know why I did that. If I had to give that feeling a name, maybe it was hopelessness, or a vast sense of loneliness, that drove me to jump in her way and take the hit. It was something similar to the phenomenon I read about in some newspaper or other, _l'appel du vide_ \- the call of the void, the instinctive urge to take a flying leap off the top of a building or the tiny voice that told you to swerve into oncoming traffic.

I was weak. I knew that. I also knew that like the motorbike almost-accident, these reckless, near-suicidal attempts would happen again. Whether by unthinkingly walking in front of oncoming traffic, or by losing myself in virtual worlds, I would readily destroy myself to make the guilt stop. However, even that was never allowed to me. I was cursed to live at the expense of those that were sacrificed for my sake, forever the one to be left behind and remember what I had lost like a ghost. The thought filled me with endless despair. 

“Are you happy with this?” I whispered - to whom, I did not know. “Did you want revenge against me? I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I was the one who lived. I’m sorry that my life was paid for by so many others. So please…”

I looked to the endlessly blue sky outside the windows, but no one answered.

I knew I should not do this, but I could no longer see any other way to be free from this guilt and loneliness that assaulted me day after day. It would be the greatest insult to the memory of those who were precious to me in Underworld, Eugeo most of all. They had all done so much for me, and yet I would leave them behind to save myself.

However, this was what I should have done in the first place. I was never meant to linger on like this. The present marched onwards, but a ghost of the past had no right to be a part of it.

“Hey, please answer me…” My voice was starting to break as tears pricked my eyes. “Forgive me, condemn me, anything is fine. Please…”

Just let me hear your voice once again.

But of course, my quiet sobs were the only thing that filled the silent room.

 

* * *

 

Three hours later, I woke up from a fatigued sleep.

Today’s dream was a happy one. In it, we managed to bring both Alice and Eugeo to the World End Altar. There was only one body prepared for Alice, but Eugeo joined us soon after, and they attended my high school from then on. The two were kind, talented and beautiful, so they amassed quite a horde of admirers. They would be receiving confessions almost weekly, though Eugeo told me that he wished he didn’t, because it always made him feel bad to turn them down.

“Plus, well, I have never been in a relationship before, so I wouldn’t know how to treat them right…” I remembered him saying. I had replied that since he was a great partner, he should have more confidence in himself and not worry so much about such things. That got a small laugh out of him.

It was the ultimate «Super Happy End». When I woke up, it hurt so much I wanted to cry, but I could not even muster the tears. It was like both my mind and my body had been hollowed out.

I had not been eating a lot lately, so maybe I could go make some food… I thought, an utterly inconsequential thought, and blankly got up to head to the kitchen.

After this, I would call Kikuoka. I would go through with my decision. Let it be known that when the time came, the heralded savior of Aincrad would gladly sell his soul for a moment of peace.

Passing by the door, I noticed that there was a package at the entrance. It was probably delivered while I was in ALO, and I did not hear the doorbell. Whose was it…well, I did order some new headphones a few days ago, so this was probably mine, since I did not remember either my parents or Sugu expecting any package. Though, if they really were my headphones, this company sure delivered fast. I should probably order from them from now on… As I thought so, I picked the package up and carried it back to my room.

I set the package down and rummaged around for a pair of scissors. My headphones had been having a lot of noise lately, so I was really looking forward to this new pair. Apparently the sound quality was state-of-the-art, and I was lucky enough to get a discount from an old coupon I got in Ordinal Scale, that AR game from a while ago. There was some good in that troublesome game after all. Finding myself cheered up for the slightest bit, I happily hummed to myself as I used the pair of scissors to open the cardboard.

The scissors clattered to the ground. My humming stopped as chills ran down my spine.

Within the box were not headphones as I had expected, but a number of long-stemmed roses. And their color…

I stared blankly at blue-colored roses.

A few moments passed, but I still could not even begin to describe the way I felt when I looked at those cursed roses.

They were no doubt beautiful. I could tell that they were white roses carefully selected and trimmed, and then dyed so deeply blue they almost looked like the real thing at a glance. The roses themselves were pressed and encased in a glass box, making it look like a collector’s item for some eccentric wealthy person, or an anniversary gift for a romantic couple.

There had been no return-to-sender address. The receiver’s address was scrawled to a degree that I could not read. For all I knew, it was a mail order that had been misdelivered, as it happened sometimes. However, none of that mattered to me at the moment.

I could not move. I could not even will myself to move. A small part of my mind screamed at me to do something, like crushing those flowers, flinging the box away from my sight, anything to get it away from me, before that last rationality was quickly drowned out by white noise. My arms and legs were not frozen; I could feel them shaking. No, it was my mind that had halted all independent thought.

I was only aware that my stomach was violently reacting, and a nauseous feeling was quickly running up my throat.

I stood up and walked to the bathroom. My trembling hands reached up and opened the door, and I walked over to the sink. A sickening noise rose up from the back of my throat. I had not eaten much throughout the day, so I was barely able to throw up, but my stomach heaved as if to expel this poison that was suffocating my entire body.

I mindlessly turned on the faucet to wash off the vomit, and somehow the cold water knocked a tiny bit of rational thought back into my mind.

My heart was beating wildly like that of a bird caught in a trap. My chest was burning in an imaginary pain, and as I blinked to clear my vision I could feel tears streaming down.

I had not known that I still had the capacity to cry.

My limbs trembled; but even so, I was finally able to will myself to walk back to my room. I very carefully averted my eyes from the box, and the objects sitting in it, as I vaguely fished out my phone and scrolled down to a familiar number.

This was the answer I had asked for. This was my final condemnation.

“…Kikuoka. I need a favor.”

 

* * *

 

I was a coward.

This was a coward’s way out. I knew that.

“ _It is not._ ” Alice had told me, in a gentle voice. “ _You are merely doing whatever that needs to be done. You need not blame yourself._ ”

“ _One day, you too will know the bitterness of giving up._ ” Cardinal had told me, a long time ago. I remembered how bitter the tears tasted in my mouth.

“ _I wished to forget._ ” Eiji had looked away sadly. “ _But I could not, so despair was always by my side._ ”

“ _We were worried, Kirito._ ” Silica had said as she glanced at Lisbeth, who had nodded. “ _I know you feel like you should not let go, but it seems to be hurting you so much._ ”

“ _We all do what we need to to survive. In SAO, in GGO, and in the real world._ ” Sinon had told me, solemnly.

“ _A part of me was relieved when that game took my memories of SAO away._ ” Klein had absentmindedly tugged at his tie. “ _Until then, the guilt and loss used to keep me up at night. Not everyone is equipped, or deserves, to shoulder such a burden, and especially not you._ ”

“ _I’ve heard your screams from the nightmares, and your muffled cries in the pillow in the morning._ ” Sugu had given me a tight hug. “ _If I were him, I would rather you be free than suffer so deeply._ ”

“ _No matter what you choose, I will be by your side._ ” Asuna had looked in my eyes with her teary brown ones, and I had imagined shining green smiling at me at the same time.

Fluorescent lights blinked overhead as I descended into RATH.

I prayed for salvation. My hero was an innocent boy who had nothing to call his own, but took up a sword for something greater than himself.

I prayed for forgiveness. My god was a brave young man who suffered from the contradictions of this unjust world, but willingly gave his life for its future.

As I welcomed the end, I imagined myself lying down on a field of grass that was frozen in ice, looking up at the night sky. The ice crackled under my weight and started to freeze my body, making me lose all sensation and awareness.

The stars gently twinkled above as ice covered my sight for eternity.

 

* * *

 

It seemed like I had just woken up from a dream. A long, beautiful, sorrowful dream.

I said goodbye to Higa-san, who looked unusually solemn, and left the RATH facility. I did not remember why I came here, but Higa-san told me it was for a last health check-up of my part-time job. Soul Translator technology was amazing, but it might have side effects on the mind and body, and on and on. In fact, I had been thinner lately and eating less because of one of these side effects, or something like that. I nodded, not quite understanding if I were to be honest, and left.

Checking my messages, I saw that Asuna had sent me a text asking me to come to ALO to hang out tonight. It seemed like everyone would be there as well. Apparently, Sugu had also made dinner today, and my favorite, no less. I was not about to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I sent her a quick message saying I would be home soon.

Maybe I could take a nap before I went to see everyone. I felt dearly in need of a good night’s sleep.

I breathed in the sharp air of early evening. For some reason, I felt…light. Clean. I felt like I had let go of something that had been weighing down on me for the longest time. It was precious, but also too painful a burden to bear. I was no longer the person I had been, but the same could be said for the me of today, and tomorrow, and the day after next.

“That’s right – that’s why you, and I, can move forward once more.” I whispered, for no one else to hear.

The pulsing lights of a bustling city washed over me as I sped away into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really grateful for everyone who continues to read and comment on this fic. Surprisingly, it's not ending yet, and we still have one more to go. That last chapter was why I decided to separate this into multiple chapters instead of just an oneshot - so it can be enjoyed by itself without completely subverting your experience. Should be up some time by the end of this week. It's been a winding road, but I hope you'll stick with it until the end!


	5. for a diamond in the dust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so here we are, at the end of the line. It's been quite a journey, and I am deeply grateful for those who have liked and commented on this little piece, especially Animeloverlovescats, who commented on _every single chapter_. If this thing hurt you and you want fluff therapy, drop by [hazy shade of autumn](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18851179).
> 
> And so, for the time being it's goodbye and stay cool. Maybe when the next plot bunny comes I'll pop up again, but until then you can find me on @fukasenanairo on Twitter! I generally have FGO and GBF on there, but I'm always up to talk SAO.
> 
> Title is from Start A Riot by BANNERS, 'I will burn this city down _for a diamond in the dust_ '. The reason will become apparent as you read on, but the moral of this story is nobody can let go of any goddamn thing, and especially not me.

It had been three years since I woke up in a forest on the outskirts of the royal palace of primary star Caldina, the Central Cathedral.

I had not quite understood what those words meant either, at first. All I remembered was the end of the battle between the two worlds, when everything had ended. I knew I had fought with my comrades from ‘that’ world, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not recall who they were. Apparently, during the time I lost consciousness, two hundred years had passed. The war I fought in was now called “War with Another World”, though nobody believed a young man of my age had fought in it.

However, I remembered. I had been born here more than two hundred years ago, in a small village called Rulid. I had grown up with two close friends, Eugeo and Alice. I had disappeared soon after Alice had gone, and ten years later returned without any memories of my past.

In the end, Eugeo had died trying to take down the ruler of this world, and Alice had lost her memories, became an Integrity Knight, and at the end of the war disappeared in battle. I was the only one who remained.

I did not know what had happened to Alice, or whether she could be brought back as well. However, I remembered my wish, the sole thought on my mind.

By a stroke of luck, I had been adopted by House Arabel two years ago, and was currently training to be an Integrity Machinist. My goal was to join the Underworld Space Force and fight to protect this world. Or so I had told the matriarch of House Arabel, but that was only a part of my true goal.

In the past two years, I had ascended through the ranks as a Machinist-in-Training. Even with only a training sword, my skilled techniques and extensive command of sacred arts had made me a rising star, the prize of Arabel House, and afforded me a lot of freedom to do as I liked. However, in return, people were reluctant to approach me. Some called me a child of the gods, but some said I was the spawn of the evil god Vector.

I regretted to say that they were not exactly wrong - I had done some things my past self would have abhorred in order to further my goal. I had manipulated minds, like I had done to the people of House Arabel to escape their suspicion, and I had discreetly gotten rid of those I felt would hinder me. There was a young lady from some House or other who held a lot of promise and would have been appointed as a Machinist-in-Training before me, but I used a command to break her arms and legs so I would be the candidate chosen that year instead. Things like that.

But it did not matter to me now. I was not looking for forgiveness. All I wanted was a simple, yet impossible wish.

There were some who whispered that I was the Star King reborn, here to guide the world to another age of prosperity, but I paid them no mind. A just King would not do the things I had done, and if I were to become a King, it would only be for the purpose of my goal.

“…Finally.” I whispered to myself.

In front of me were the remaining possessions of the Star King and Queen, which had been kept at the top of the Central Cathedral after they had departed this world. I had had to knock out quite a few guards to get here, but it was all worth it. I would have done more than just knocking them out, but I could not afford more suspicion right now.

I walked over to the two swords, one pitch black and one crystal blue. It was said that the Star King, when he wielded these two swords, was unstoppable on the battlefield. Unfortunately, if I succeeded in my goal, such a miracle would never come to pass again. I took hold of the swords, and it was as if they responded to my call, becoming warmer in my grasp.

“Hello again, my old friends.” I smiled.

Next, I turned my eyes to the shelves. What I was looking for should be here.

It was a forbidden artifact that had been hidden away long ago under the orders of the Star King. The arts contained in there were dangerous and immoral, and by now no one existed with a high enough System Control Authority to perform them.

No one but me, that was.

Finally, I found them. The notes for the experiments into resurrection that were conducted by the last ruler of this world, the Highest Minister Administrator.

I smiled. Finally, I could be at peace. Finally, that relentless longing constantly on my mind would stop. It was a compulsion nearing obsession, a single wish that moved my body day after day. A rational corner of my mind screamed at me to stop, that I was no different from the Sword Golem that I had fought so long ago – a wayward puppet that was controlled by a twisted love.

I dismissed the voice and began reciting the complex commands written inside. As my voice resounded in the desolate hall of lost memories, light gathered at my fingertips.

“ _System call…_ ”

 

* * *

 

My eyes fluttered, slowly getting used to the gentle sunlight filtering through the trees. A gentle breeze caressed my skin. It seemed like great weather for a nap.

“…up.”

Five more minutes, I murmured.

“Wake up!” Something shook me hard, and I jolted awake. Still disoriented from sleep, I racked my brain for the last thing I remembered.

That’s right. I had been trying to reach my goal using ‘that’, and finally acquired the notes I had been looking for. It had been no trouble to load up a new container for the soul - a Light Cube, in other words - since I merely needed to consult the command list for the appropriate art.

However, then came the hard part. I could understand why Administrator had abandoned the experiment. Resurrection was immensely difficult, and required high sacred arts proficiency as well as a large amount of resources. In addition, reconstructing a soul, or Fluctlight, that had been deallocated from the Light Cube Cluster, whatever that meant, required a large amount of Mnemonic Data of the target – in other words, memories of the person – in order for the system to fill in the rest and reconnect the neural pathways that made up the soul – well, according to the parts of the notes I could understand at least.

In my case, the memories I needed were embedded in my own Fluctlight and within the precious Blue Rose Sword. Even so, the chances of success would be low.

And yet, the result was staring at me with a worried look.

“Kirito, are you listening to me?” My friend, my partner asked in an exasperated voice, just as I remembered from so long ago.

It seemed like the art had taken more out of me than I thought. The moment I finished the command, it was like a part of my soul was drained away, and I barely caught a glimpse of the result before I collapsed. Even now, having recovered enough to wake up, I was still dizzy and had difficulty moving properly. No wonder no one else dared to perform this sacred art – I was lucky that I had not died myself.

At this rate, resurrecting Alice, or anyone else, was looking to be impossible. The only reason I succeeded was thanks to the years of memories accumulated by me and the Blue Rose Sword. Maybe if I had Alice’s sword as well… I thought, but regardless, my dream of bringing back everyone I lost - Liena-senpai, Ronye, Tiese, Alice, Cardinal, Charlotte - seemed out of my grasp.

I almost felt like laughing. Even I, who had usurped god, could not grant my dearest wish.

However, for now, none of that mattered. Finally, it was here. I had woken up in that forest three years ago and endlessly forged on, accompanied by my loneliness and a burning obsession, only for this moment.

“You can’t just pass out on me like that!” Eugeo complained. “The guards came and nearly caught us, too. I had to carry you out and run for it with my life until I got to this forest, and then you had the galls to sleep for three days! What’s going on? What happened to Alice? Nothing looks the same anymore!…Kirito, are you even listening?”

I laughed, and Eugeo looked at me as if I were going insane.

Maybe I was. If this was insanity, I would be fine with that.

I reached over and wrapped him in a tight hug. I could feel his warmth, and the nostalgia was enough to drive me to tears.

The two years I had spent in a haze of self-loathing.

Two hundred years of unconsciousness.

Three years of endlessly searching, trying to reach this moment.

At last, I felt rewarded. The hundreds of years I had lost were not in vain.

“I’ll tell you everything later.” I said through my tears, my voice muffled in his shoulder. “Just stay like that for now.”

As I requested, Eugeo stopped fidgeting and awkwardly reached out a hand to pat my back as I cried. He did not quite understand, but he could tell that a lot had happened since we parted. I would have to explain everything to him later, but that was a story for another time.

A gentle breeze blew past. The bell rang in the distance, reminding me that I had to go home. If it had indeed been three days as Eugeo said, then I had quite a lot of Machinist training to make up for – that was, if they did not kick me out for breaking into the Central Cathedral and missing three days’ worth of drills.

However, this time, I would return with another. Maybe House Schtrinen would take him in, and we could train together like back then, become stellar Integrity Machinists, and explore the vastness of this beautiful world with all the new wonders it had to offer.

Maybe things would not go the way I wanted. Maybe, once he knew the things I had done, Eugeo would be horrified. I had played god, manipulated others’ souls, and committed untold crimes to reach this point, and I would pile up another mountain of corpses if it meant I could remain like this, wrapped in warmth and peace and sunlight.

But Eugeo was a kind person. I knew that all too well. He would always forgive me, in time.

Time...time was no longer a concern for us - at least, not the way I was now. I could halt our Lives with a simple command, and we would remain until this world’s Life ran out and this land crumbled to dust. We would be alone for the rest of time, as the last remnants of the past in an unfamiliar yet beautiful world, but we would be together.

For I who had traveled a long and lonely road, that was enough.

 

* * *

 

From somewhere beyond Underworld, two figures silently watched. One was a young, black-haired boy who looked barely past his teens, and the other was a taller man wearing a lab coat.

“So your plan went as expected.” The tall man, Kayaba Akihiko, told the younger – in other words, he was addressing me. I merely nodded.

I knew it would work. Not only had I planned this down to the smallest detail, my younger self was also remarkably easy to manipulate. His guilt and self-deprecation was a centerpiece of his character, and he needed only a nudge to dance the way I wanted. Maybe in a hundred years or so he would grow out of that – though that was none of my concern.

“But I have to admit, this was uncharacteristic of you. I did not think you have the cruelty to destroy another so thoroughly – or was it easier to do so because it was yourself?”

“What do you think this virtual world needs in order to survive, when it depends so much on the Real World?” I returned with another question.

Kayaba smiled enigmatically but did not answer. He merely inclined his head, telling me to go on.

“An emissary for peace.” Alice.

“A place to inhabit.” The Seed Nexus.

“The ability to separate from the Real World.” The work that we were undertaking, and the cooperation of RATH’s Kikuoka Seijirou.

“And finally, overwhelming military might to defend ourselves if the situation turns to the worse. In two hundred years, I have tried to build an army and advance our technology, but I see now that that alone is not enough for the Inter-Intelligence War. In the years of peace, our forces have dwindled. The number of Integrity Machinists that can use Incarnation are a mere nine, in the entirety of Underworld. I want power. Underworld needs power if it were to survive.”

“And this was your answer.”

I said nothing, because he already knew why I did this.

My other self’s ultimate weakness was that he could never bear to abandon anything he held dear. My ideal leader for Underworld needed a stronger resolve than that.

The war was coming. One day, the two worlds would be at odds. When the time came, I would not rely on those who I could not ascertain the loyalty of.

Kayaba exhaled a small, bitter chuckle. Just because he understood did not mean he agreed with my methods. He did not want Kirigaya Kazuto to suffer, and not in such a cruel way.

I, too, knew it was all too cruel. Had I not interfered by disturbing his brain waves through the Amusphere, assaulting him with feelings of regret, dreams and visions, and sending him reminders of his guilt, he would have made peace with loss eventually, and become a stronger person for it. Instead, I tortured him until he lost his footing in reality and fell into a spiral.

After he made his decision, I requested Higa to put the extracted Memory Fragment into a new Light Cube, and put him into Underworld. Driven by an overwhelming love for this world and crushing loneliness, armed with power and administrator privileges, the newborn Fluctlight followed only his instincts and fought for the world he wanted. In other words, I had created a more advanced version of the Sword Golem.

Then again, as I was right now, I was no longer any different - I who had destroyed even myself for the sake of the world I swore to protect.

Regardless, the end result was what I had anticipated. Kirigaya Kazuto was loyal to the Real World and all that was precious to him, and the Kirito of Underworld would fight with his partner, for eternity, to protect the world he loved more than anything else.

“…It does not matter. If that is what I need to do to gain power, then that is what I shall do. In the end, while it lost the Star King and Queen, Underworld has acquired power – leaders whose strength surpass armies, who will not waver in their conviction to protect this world.”

Was it worth it, Kayaba’s eyes seemed to ask of me.

However, I could not answer that. I, who had probably ceased to be human, had no right to contemplate the worth of my actions. All that remained of me was the drive to forge on and fight to the end, for the sake of a promise.

Even so, for the first time in my long, long life, I looked up at the sky and murmured a prayer to the goddess I did not believe in, to my beloved.

——At the bitter end of my struggle, may the sun shine on us once more.

The endless sky, as blue and still as the surface of a nostalgic lake once upon a time, merely stretched beyond the horizon.


End file.
